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I wish I was brave.

I wish I was brave... instead I am a coward ... I try to fight but in the end I go along with what Im trapped into doing ... I tried to be brave last year ... and then it blew up... I don't think I'll ever be brave again. I know I never want anyone this close to me again. I never want this hurt again... and I know it'll not be understood by the pweson who hurt me. He thinks the power of positive thinking can change everything... and I know that the feelings I have of being shattered down to my core will never go away... I tried to be brave and it blew up at me.... In my life i guess it's better to just be a coward... just to stay where I am ... continue to try to make the best of it ...

I just wish I was brave

When Tourette's Attacks

So today I ended up on my face at work. The one order gun has a chirp that always sets me off, and after being at the Mendham walk I was already a little bit ...extra jerky. So the order gun set me off and i was vocal hell for about an hour... and one of the idiots I work with asked me if it was like the hiccups, if a good scare would make them stop. I said NO. Absolutely Not....it's more like needing to sneeze.... so I thought it was all done and forgotten... they were antognizing me, and making it carry on longer than I wanted it too ... and I did end up crying because they'd not just stop ...but I figured I can put up with that crap
...well, I was wrong...After one of the kitchen girls came back and we made dirty jokes about me "humping the table" and she said it looked like I have Tourette's (and then I said I did... and she didn't believe me either until I held out my TSA wallet cards) ...once again I figured the worst was over
About an hour later while I'm still barking, chirping, squeaking, squealing and everything else she comes up behind me, screams my name in my ears and grabs my sides... I jump out of my skin, fall into a rack and end up having a full tilt attack on the floor of the bakery ...it passed eventually ... I cursed the hell out of the girl and went back to work as crappy as I could ...but I made it through the last little bit of the day.
All they could say is that they didn't think I was serious. Idiots. All the stupid "Advocacy" and "education" in the world can't help people as stupid and worthless as that. This is why I don't bother prostituting myself out for the sake of "Awareness" you can't teach people like that, and it's not my job to bother. Too much stress for me.
My manager knows how all of this works and was great with me about all of it ... and the idiot who did this to me not cant even look me in the face even though I said we're cool and we'll never talk about it again.

So happy

I have Mastocytosis... I go anaphylactic too easy and with the recall things have been insane and scary... It's been a week and Ive not had funtional pens with me ... I got them yesterday at the food store near my moms after TKD. So happy to feel like I'm safe again ... I only have 2 of them, but thats more than I had before...and thank god there was no Copay!! Ive never had that happen... they're always so much money and it always sucks so much because I need new ones every year. But this was pretty cool that even with all the stress and everything else ... but I got them. I'm even getting a new strap for my Epipen purse because it broke and I sent them proof that it broke ... so thats kinda cool.

not much I really really want to report for now. I have so very, very much I want to say and I just don't have the words to do it... so I talk about Epipens and other crap like that ... because talking about the things that cause my soul to bleed horribly... I don't have the words to make them make sense. All I know is that my soul has such pain in it ... Eventually it'll pass

After the past week of knowing my lifeline was defective and they might not work I feel so much better now. If i didnt keep calling around i kight still gevwaiting! So happy that I've got my bag from #epiessentials restocked with fully functional #epipens #benadryl #inhalers and everything else! #epipenssavelives #mastocytosis #anaphylaxis

I only had to drive 44 minutes to get them! Thank god they were in stock anywhere in driving distance. I was so scares without them.  #epipen #mastocytosis #anaphylaxis #aviqrecall #allergies

my heart hurts today ... so badly

I have nothing left to give
I have found a perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt

Carry me to heaven's arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within
'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's got to be, dear agony?

Suddenly the lights go out
Let forever drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end

And I will find the enemy within
'Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me, faceless enemy
I'm so sorry, is this the way it's got to be, dear agony?

Leave me alone, God, let me go
All blue and cold, black sky will burn
Love, pull me down, hate, lift me up
Just turn around, there's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore

Dear agony, just let go of me
Suffer slowly, is this the way it's got to be?
Don't bury me faceless enemy
I'm so sorry, is this the way it's got to be, Dear agony?

I feel nothing anymore

Read more: Breaking Benjamin - Dear Agony Lyrics | MetroLyrics

20th anniversary of Sparkle and Fade!

I cant wait to see ALL of Sparkle and Fade!!!
4th time this year I get to see my favorite band!
So happy, and so exhausted... and so stressed and so angry but so happy. 

little ball of hate

Half of this was posted on my personal wall ... the rest of it isn't ... so... if you've seen part of this already ... now you'll have the explanation ...
Where I work does a lot of community service, and they bring me along ... We were going Trick or Treat for the local Childrens Miracle League last night on the Field of Dreams ... They thought it would be a good idea for me to come after the other girl flaked out ... I didn't think anything of it ... It was a triggerfest. I only lasted an hour once the event started. I ended up on my face behind the field house having a storm that lasted over an hour ... my husband had to come and pick me up and take me home ... I couldn't walk, I couldn't see. I had a good long run ... Now I am back to where I started again. My manager was kind to me, he waited with me ... they did what they could for me... all I could do was keep apologizing when I could. I wanted to be a part of making Halloween memorable and "normal" for those families ... they deserve good days like the rest of us... I ended up on my face...and my echo was copying all of the kids ...and my pali was out of control... then the storms started...
I try so hard to not to talk about my diseased brain...about broken hearts or shattered dreams or plans derailed. I post lyrics....I post memes. I try to be more than the sum of my disorders. I was reminded yesterday that I am not. That the recent past has no bearing on the current and the future. Today I am mentally, physically and emotionally done and spent. I am broken on so many levels. Today I need love...and I need to have the illusion of well ....today that is impossible and I am crushed. I separated myself from the Tourette's community because of this insanity and now I'm trapped back again, but I will never go back to them for help or comfort. There is none for me there... I feel like I should be upset about it. I'm not about that, I am that I'm back in this place again.
We might not be able to go to New York City tomorrow for the concert I am living for because I'm fragile right now and could be put back into that state without much effort... I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life... all I've been doing since yesterday is sob.
At least I get to be full overnight tonight so less people have to see my walking disaster.

Return to the Golden Lions

I went back to High School tonight! :) It was awesome and fun... I love homecommings, I love Alumni nights! It's really awesome and fun and cool... and I loved having my cymbals back! :) HAHA... I have my cymbals back!! 
so I won two trophies over the weekend ... went to an awesome party ... got pumpkins and kinda drunk and worked a lot ... and I think I sorted through some of my problems with that boy. I need to put it into words...

I got a Fitbit too... it's kinda neat 

I woke up with this song in my head at about 3:37 this morning ...  I woke up thinking of this song and feeling like I was being thought of... and I don't know why I felt like that, becuase then I had to really wonder if someone was thinking of me... I don't even understand that ... and I thought about how much I wanted to send a friend of mine a message to see if he was awake too ...see if he was awake and if he and go over to the diner for breakfast and coffee... then I realized I can't really do that anymore and I felt sad again. I almost want to be able to ask if he was awake and thinking of me too.

I can't really do that. I mean, nothing is stopping me from it ... I just can't. That wouldn't be okay for me to do.

I used to really hate this song... I mean, I hated everything to do with this and "Wonderful World" ... now I kinda listen to them and they make me want to cry but I really like them too. I've been so sad for the past few weeks thinking everything was my fault, and I see how much of this mess is my fault because of timing ... but I also see how I can't be the only one trying to do everything. Something that I fall into a habit of trying to do ...  Now I've listened to this version about 100 times so far this morning and it's making me want to cry, actually I'm scarting to cry anyway. So, one last time through ... and then I'm going to go find something to do that's distracting...

Actually, maybe I need this right now instead.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh oh

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
if happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Oh why, oh why can't I?

I went over to wordpress, thinking that I wanted to make this into more of a blog and less of a journal ... but I discovered that people seeing this is never really been what and why I wanted to do ... I'll save my Wordpress because... because it has 2 years of entries in it that I don't really care to cross post ... but in the end... Livejournal will always be my home... even if I don't have followers on here anymore. None of that really matters to me ...

Someday I might find a way to incorperate the old entries back where they belong ... or not...