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little ball of hate

Half of this was posted on my personal wall ... the rest of it isn't ... so... if you've seen part of this already ... now you'll have the explanation ...
Where I work does a lot of community service, and they bring me along ... We were going Trick or Treat for the local Childrens Miracle League last night on the Field of Dreams ... They thought it would be a good idea for me to come after the other girl flaked out ... I didn't think anything of it ... It was a triggerfest. I only lasted an hour once the event started. I ended up on my face behind the field house having a storm that lasted over an hour ... my husband had to come and pick me up and take me home ... I couldn't walk, I couldn't see. I had a good long run ... Now I am back to where I started again. My manager was kind to me, he waited with me ... they did what they could for me... all I could do was keep apologizing when I could. I wanted to be a part of making Halloween memorable and "normal" for those families ... they deserve good days like the rest of us... I ended up on my face...and my echo was copying all of the kids ...and my pali was out of control... then the storms started...
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I try so hard to not to talk about my diseased brain...about broken hearts or shattered dreams or plans derailed. I post lyrics....I post memes. I try to be more than the sum of my disorders. I was reminded yesterday that I am not. That the recent past has no bearing on the current and the future. Today I am mentally, physically and emotionally done and spent. I am broken on so many levels. Today I need love...and I need to have the illusion of well ....today that is impossible and I am crushed. I separated myself from the Tourette's community because of this insanity and now I'm trapped back again, but I will never go back to them for help or comfort. There is none for me there... I feel like I should be upset about it. I'm not about that, I am that I'm back in this place again.
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We might not be able to go to New York City tomorrow for the concert I am living for because I'm fragile right now and could be put back into that state without much effort... I hate my life... I hate my life... I hate my life... all I've been doing since yesterday is sob.
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At least I get to be full overnight tonight so less people have to see my walking disaster.

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